Bitter to Bad Ass in 12 Months!

After looking at my diary I realized that today marks 12 months since I became a single Mum. Yes I know, I know, not exactly an achievement to be boasting about (how to lose a guy in 10 days, anyone?) but it does mean that I now have 12 months of growing and extreme shocks to the system under my belt.

Look at it this way, 12 months ago I was unhappy, wallowing in self pity and bitterness, balancing on the borderline between depression and auto pilot mode. I was lonely, kidding myself by saying I was ready to move on (and yes, move on is exactly what I did). I was feeling so guilty about leaving my ex, breaking his heart and taking his son away from him. By the way, I should really add that I'm really not a bitch, generally speaking!

Me 12 months ago

I have done so much growing in the last year I hardly recognize that girl anymore. I say girl deliberately. I was not acting like a grown up. I have been forced to grow up now. I no longer have anyone to fall back on. Yes I have support, and it is great. But when it comes to my son, I'm his mother, I'm his primary carer and it is my responsibility to look after his best interests.

I know how excited you all to hear about how different I am today so here it is: I take responsibility for my actions. When I make a decision Master A is the first thing that crosses my mind. After a year long battle with my ex that has turned nasty, I no longer feel guilty, as he shows that he has no respect for me. I became comfortable in my own company, even enjoying it. It was then that I met Mr M. He has added joy to my life, but he hasn't "completed" it. I have finally left the past exactly where it needed to be: In the past! This is something that has taken me 5 years to do. Most of all, I am happy! Of course, I have my days where it all gets too much. Who doesn't? Seriously, do you know anyone that doesn't? But the point is, I am much happier, and grown up since being on my own, and that is what tells me I made the right decision.

Me 12 days ago

Where were you emotionally 12 months ago?
Have you ever looked at your past self and not recognized them?
How about someone you know? Or thought you knew?

Lists, Lists and More Lists!

I have been talking lately about being a little time poor, and having awful not so good time management skills. Well, I have been tackling these issues the last few weeks, and I must say, so far I am pretty proud of my results.

The first thing I did, was start writing lists (oh lists how I love thee!)

I started with a list of what needs to be done on a daily and weekly basis. My daily list included things like meals, exercise, washing, and preparation for the next day. The weekly list included grocery shopping, changing the beds, housework, etc.

After that I mapped out Master A's schedule. He already wakes, naps, has dinner and goes to bed at the same time each day, I just needed to add in a time to make sure we are ready for the day by, and morning and afternoon teas (more info on Master A's food and meals to come in a later post).

I then did a list of Monday to Sunday and scheduled each job that needs to be done (including studying and blogging, which are my real issues right now) into a day. Friday is my housework day, Wednesday I need to do some reading for Tafe and some blogging, etc. I don't have set times for these. With Master A's age, it really is too difficult to schedule my time and jobs around him.

The last lists I made were morning, day and night routines. I have aimed for us to be dressed, ready to face the day by 8:30am. The morning routine tells me what needs to be done for that to happen. I should mention that as of next week, I will be getting up an hour earlier than Master A to get myself dressed, have a healthy breakfast and have his all ready to go for when he wakes.

The day routine consists of things like ensuring a load of washing goes on in the morning, going for a walk after Master A wakes from his nap, or after lunch and making sure dinner is prepared for the night.

The night routine is pretty straight forward. The only things I have changed is to add a quick tidy of Master A's room and unpacking his bag and repacking for the next day.

As you can see I typed these up in word and printed them out for convenience (and just coz they looked prettier!)

I am now trying to tackle my procrastination issues. Not so much of my day spent on Facebook or sitting around watching TV, which I have been so bad for since the renovations started in our kitchen.

I have a plan for the day in my motivation journal - more on this later this week and I make sure I make time for the fun things with Master A.

Do you have routines in your house?
If you are a work at home/study at home mum, how do you balance your time and still get time out?

And of course because it's Friday I am linking up for the first time in a few weeks with the gorgeous Grace over at With Some Grace for Flog Yo Blog Friday...

... And also the beautiful Bree over at Twinkle in the Eye for Flash Blog Friday!

When Anxiety Strikes

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Today I looked up the definition of anxiety on Google, and this is what it told me:

A feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.

When I was 20 I was diagnosed with a social anxiety disorder, alongside my depression. This meant that I would have a full blown panic attack whenever I was placed in a social situation, often resulting in a meltdown.

After it was treated I didn't have any real problems with anxiety once I fell pregnant, other than the occasional bout of anxiety which is fairly normal in any mother's life. This was up until I separated from Master A's father 9 months ago. Since then, my anxiety has steadily got worse. Thinking about having to let my Munchkin go to his father's house sends my heart racing and shortens my breath quicker than ever before. It doesn't help that I know I have to actually see his dad, which usually results in an argument and being told that I'm doing a bad job as a mother.

Anxiety can take over your life if you let it. I find that in the week that leads up to Master A going to his dad's house I am on edge, cranky, can't usually get it off my mind and I dread having to let him go. There is also another reason why I get so anxious about letting him go, that occurred over the weekend that I can't share with you all just yet, but it's safe to say that I let this situation rule a good part of my life, and I am ready for that to change.

Anxiety causes your stress levels to rise, which in turn means that you get run down, and more likely to get sick. It can keep you awake at night, affect your choices, and affect your relationships with other people. I am lucky that so far, I have not yet let it affect my relationship with Master A.

With the problems that anxiety can cause for people, can you really blame them for wanting to get help and get it fixed? I have started with a trip to the doctor. It is still on my to-do list to look into yoga. I also keep a journal that I will be using more often to sort out my thoughts if I get overwhelmed.

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I am still recovering from the flu (so you will have to excuse if my writing is a little all over the place today!) and once I am back to my old self again I will heading back out on my walks to clear my head. We are also seeking help with regards to custody over Master A, meaning this is one less thing I have to worry about sparking an argument with his dad every time we see each other.

These are some of the things that I am doing to help deal with my anxiety issues. Not everything will work for everyone, and there is medication to help those with severe anxiety disorders. If you feel you are one of these people, I can not urge you enough to see your doctor and get some help.

Do you suffer from anxiety?

What do you do to help stop a panic attack?

Linking up with the gorgeous Jess from Diary of a SAHM for IBOT

The Roller Coaster of Life

Most people have had some kind of a roller coaster ride through their lives. And I don't mean on an actual roller coaster. As someone terrified of heights, roller coasters scare the hell out of me! I'm talking about life. Ups and downs, twists and turns. No one's life can be completely full of ups. It's totally impossible and you can't appreciate the ups without experiencing some downs.

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My life since turning 18 has very much been a roller coaster ride. You can read my story of depression here. The difference with happy people, is their ability to not let the downs affect their ability to believe that life will still give you more ups. 

At the end of last year, I had a very negative view of men. To me, they were only there to break my heart. Don't get involved, won't get hurt. I've also had the view of why would they ever want me? A single mum in her early twenties, living at home with her parents, studying instead of earning a living. Not a lot of guys would consider this a great catch. Trust me, I've done my research! My car has required a hell of a lot of money spent to get it fixed and drivable, and there is still more to do. I am living with my parents, when I desperately want my own space. 


What I have come to realise, is that I have so many things to look forward to. I can't wait until next year, when I should be able to afford to move into my own place. Hopefully by the end of next year, a new (smaller and cheaper) car should be on the cards too. I will also be working by then too. There are so many moments that I have to look forward to, that my fear of the 'down' parts of my past have totally stopped me from having. 

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Watching my Munchkin grow up. Coming to a workable agreement with his father so that the stress of custody issues stops and we can enjoy our son. Finishing my study and being a fully qualified accountant. Replacing the furniture I lost when I split up with ex with beautiful nice new furniture (that I pick)! Meeting someone special to spend the rest of my life with and having more kids. 


I am by no means saying that we should always focus on the future, and what the future brings. Otherwise we miss the present, and all the wonderful things that are in it, like our children, families, friends, careers, homes, etc. But a healthy balance of looking forward to the future, and appreciating what we have presently, and being grateful for it makes the roller coaster ride so much more bearable, and even fun. We can't take the downs out of our life, but we can make sure it doesn't ruin our chance to have more ups. 


Are you on an up or a down on your roller coaster ride?
What have you got to look forward to?

Linking up with the totally awesome Jess from Diary of a SAHM for IBOT

My Battle with Depression

I am going to share my story with you. This is another hard post to write, as it is something that I have tried to put in my past and forget, but I think that I need to accept it and talk about it, and maybe some of you will be able to relate, and not feel so alone.

Hopefully, I won't feel so alone.

I was 17 when I was first diagnosed with depression. I was studying year 12, also a certificate in children's services at Tafe. I was working part time, doing calisthenics, and hopelessly in love with my high school sweetheart. It all got too much when my boyfriend left school half way through year 12 to do a introductory course to get into an apprenticeship. I didn't have friends at school, at that time I didn't get along very well with girls. I had always sat with my boyfriend and his friends at recess and lunch and now I felt alone.

Me at 17

I struggled with my depression until he and I split up on my 18th birthday. Yes I know, what a great way to remember a milestone! We continued seeing each other (physically) until I met someone. Even then, he continued to come to my house and call me. This didn't help with my situation, as I desperately wanted to make things work with him, but he was on drugs and unstable.

I continued with my depression, feeling hopeless, and unworthy until I met my sons father at 20. It was at that time that I was also diagnosed with a social anxiety disorder. Since my initial diagnosis at 17, I had tried dozens of different medications and found that none worked, or they would work for a few months and then stop.

Although Master A's dad was nice, he wasn't my type, and I went into the relationship reluctantly. I went on with my day to day life, getting panic attacks whenever I was expected to meet new people, or be in big groups of people. I started putting on weight and after 9 months together we discovered I was pregnant. It was a shock to say the least, and only a week before my 21st birthday. I felt trapped in the relationship and unhappy.

Putting on a brave face 2 weeks after Master A's birth

My regular followers would know Master A's birth story, and the stress surrounding the last few weeks of my pregnancy, and the first few weeks of his life. I didn't cope very well, and after his dad went back to work I started to crack. He would work all night, and then sleep all day, leaving me with a baby who refused to sleep through the day, constantly screaming because he was tired. It got to a point where I went to my doctor saying "I don't want my child anymore, I want someone to take him". Of course, this was not the actual truth, and I hate that I let myself get to the point of feeling that way.

I was put on anti depressants and sent to see psychologists. I had my partner pressuring me to find something to do at home to earn money, or go back to work. Reluctantly, I went back to work when Master A was 4 months old, way before I felt ready to cope with the world of a working mother.

I plodded through the next few months, feeling not depressed nor healed. I sat there while my life went by around me. A week after Master A's first birthday I decided that I could not do it anymore and told my partner that I wanted to leave. I moved my things into the spare room, and spent the next 2 weeks crying. I was feeling guilty about walking out and giving up on our "family", and I wondered if I was doing the right thing. I had no financial backing, I was depressed and scared and moving back to my parents house.

I felt like I had failed.

After the move was complete I felt a little lost. I felt free, but at the same time like I was lacking direction. Eight months on and I am feeling better. I know what I want and what I need to do to get there. I am a little impatient, but I am now off all medication, and I am the strongest that I have ever been. I still struggle with Master A. I went through a particularly bad time last month, but I am at peace with myself.

Me now

My battle has been a long one, and I do still worry about slipping into old habits. I now know the warning signs, and will get on top of it before it has the chance to develop.

Have you battled with depression of some form?

I would love to hear your story (remember that this is a judgement-free zone. Any rude or negative comments or posts will be removed).

Linking up with Diary of a SAHM for IBOT