My Battle with Depression

I am going to share my story with you. This is another hard post to write, as it is something that I have tried to put in my past and forget, but I think that I need to accept it and talk about it, and maybe some of you will be able to relate, and not feel so alone.

Hopefully, I won't feel so alone.

I was 17 when I was first diagnosed with depression. I was studying year 12, also a certificate in children's services at Tafe. I was working part time, doing calisthenics, and hopelessly in love with my high school sweetheart. It all got too much when my boyfriend left school half way through year 12 to do a introductory course to get into an apprenticeship. I didn't have friends at school, at that time I didn't get along very well with girls. I had always sat with my boyfriend and his friends at recess and lunch and now I felt alone.

Me at 17

I struggled with my depression until he and I split up on my 18th birthday. Yes I know, what a great way to remember a milestone! We continued seeing each other (physically) until I met someone. Even then, he continued to come to my house and call me. This didn't help with my situation, as I desperately wanted to make things work with him, but he was on drugs and unstable.

I continued with my depression, feeling hopeless, and unworthy until I met my sons father at 20. It was at that time that I was also diagnosed with a social anxiety disorder. Since my initial diagnosis at 17, I had tried dozens of different medications and found that none worked, or they would work for a few months and then stop.

Although Master A's dad was nice, he wasn't my type, and I went into the relationship reluctantly. I went on with my day to day life, getting panic attacks whenever I was expected to meet new people, or be in big groups of people. I started putting on weight and after 9 months together we discovered I was pregnant. It was a shock to say the least, and only a week before my 21st birthday. I felt trapped in the relationship and unhappy.

Putting on a brave face 2 weeks after Master A's birth

My regular followers would know Master A's birth story, and the stress surrounding the last few weeks of my pregnancy, and the first few weeks of his life. I didn't cope very well, and after his dad went back to work I started to crack. He would work all night, and then sleep all day, leaving me with a baby who refused to sleep through the day, constantly screaming because he was tired. It got to a point where I went to my doctor saying "I don't want my child anymore, I want someone to take him". Of course, this was not the actual truth, and I hate that I let myself get to the point of feeling that way.

I was put on anti depressants and sent to see psychologists. I had my partner pressuring me to find something to do at home to earn money, or go back to work. Reluctantly, I went back to work when Master A was 4 months old, way before I felt ready to cope with the world of a working mother.

I plodded through the next few months, feeling not depressed nor healed. I sat there while my life went by around me. A week after Master A's first birthday I decided that I could not do it anymore and told my partner that I wanted to leave. I moved my things into the spare room, and spent the next 2 weeks crying. I was feeling guilty about walking out and giving up on our "family", and I wondered if I was doing the right thing. I had no financial backing, I was depressed and scared and moving back to my parents house.

I felt like I had failed.

After the move was complete I felt a little lost. I felt free, but at the same time like I was lacking direction. Eight months on and I am feeling better. I know what I want and what I need to do to get there. I am a little impatient, but I am now off all medication, and I am the strongest that I have ever been. I still struggle with Master A. I went through a particularly bad time last month, but I am at peace with myself.

Me now

My battle has been a long one, and I do still worry about slipping into old habits. I now know the warning signs, and will get on top of it before it has the chance to develop.

Have you battled with depression of some form?

I would love to hear your story (remember that this is a judgement-free zone. Any rude or negative comments or posts will be removed).

Linking up with Diary of a SAHM for IBOT